The Bitter Show

The Miracle of the Fame Chorus

By Mr Bitterness, on August 2nd, 2010

When a lovable group of rag-tag losers had to accomplish the impossible: sing The Body Electric without sounding like a bunch of cats being drowned in a burlap sack (who does that?), Emcee Clintock performed a miracle by getting them all to sound “not bad at all”. When asked how she did it, Emcee C said, “I utilized the power of the 80s movie montage. All you need is a Frank Stallone song, a giant boom box, paint, wallpaper, a handsaw, some jocks, some nerds, a large body of water and a pirate ship.”

Putting one foot in front of the other is harder than it looks.

OMBZ! Interplanetary Girls Gone Girl!

By Mr Bitterness, on July 22nd, 2010

Scandal on Mars!

On set at the Mars Olympic Games, green-haired sensible-shoe wearing sportscaster, Bibi Blingbling got some special attention from futuristic sportsbimbo, Stormy Waves. OMBZ! Hanky-panky in the commentary booth? Hopefully. Still, when asked for a comment, Stormy said, “No way! I have a boyfriend. He’s from Canada. His name is George Glass.” Bibi was quoted as shouting, “I also have a boyfriend. He is from Canada, wherever that is. His name is also George Glass.” George Glass could not be reached for comment.

Not what it looks like. They both have boyfriends. Named George.

Lesbians in Space!

Was a romance brewing on the set of Bitterly Bad Production Plan B from Outerspace between mack-tresses, Karen Spiegelman and Eileen Murphy? No, they’re just playing a part. But that would be some super sweet gossip if they were, right?

YOWZA!

Speaking of parts, Dave McKew, who plays a lipstick lesbian in Plan B, was recently asked by Bad Movies Monthly if he is being typecast. He responded with this: “All my parts are different. Nurse FuFu is a lipstick lesbian, sure, but she is nothing like Chu Chu DiFlowers or Lippie Lickstrong or even Pink Curtains. Okay, maybe she’s a little like Pink Curtains.”

The Divine Mr M as Nurse FuFu

Plan B from Outerspace will be released exclusively at prisons, old age homes for nasty old people that no one likes, and orphanages for the naughty and/or ugly.

Mike Spiegelman, Flaming-bong, Eileen Murphy, Dave Chambers and Karen Spiegelman.

Cap’n's Log Stardate: Tuesday afternoon

By Mr Bitterness, on July 20th, 2010

I am so sick of the Kessel Run. First of all it takes, like, 48 par secs and on top of that it’s about as dull a distance of space one has ever encountered. You know what it’s like to drive across Utah at night? Multiply that by, like, 47.9 par secs. Hell, it’s not like when I got into intergalactic shipping and receiving I expected it to be all space prostitutes and 8 balls of glitterstim spice, but they could throw in a 12 pack of coors light every so often.

I do recommend that if you’re making the run, take an extra couple hours and swing by the Frank’s Funky Phaser, burger hut and space prostitution ring, just take the 4th off ramp once you get past the alpha centari rush hour traffic (why is it *always* rush hour when I go past there??!!). The burgers are out of this world (ha ha) and the space prostitutes aren’t half bad either. Ask for Trxwwy and get the 1/2 & 1/2 & 1/2 for only 14 treclorian deutsche marks.

Now that the Lincoln’s back in working order I think I might go back to my job driving a cab. Anything ‘s better than long trips in space with a bunch of weirdos and space prostitutes.

Cap’n Log Stardate: Friday

By Mr Bitterness, on July 16th, 2010

I got a call from one of my buddies on the space police force. Apparently they’ve gotten themselves into hot water over in sector 4 double ought niner. I’m gonna have to help out (again) by going undercover as a ex-cop who is helping out some cops that need someone to help them out. I don’t know if I can pull it off. You can monitor our activities on space radio channel: yellowblue green 94A.

In other news my vintage 75′ Lincoln is running great! Thanks for the tip from Username: MingTMerciless. You were right about double gapping the headers!