The Bitter Show's ROAD TRIP TO PLUTO

Member of The Bitter Army has been dispatched to Wisconsin

Mr Bitterness — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 20:38:20 +0000

This man in the candy-necklace hula skirt speaks for us.

For more on the comedy that is political upheaval, go here.

ROAD TRIP TO PLUTO RETURNS!

Mr Bitterness — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 16:10:52 +0000

This just in! ROAD TRIP TO PLUTO will return to the 4-Star Theater 8:30 PM, Thursday, October 28, for a one-night-only Halloween extravaganza! (By “one-night-only,” we mean in addition to the one night we already did, and by “Halloween” we mean it’s close to Halloween, and by “extravaganza,” we mean pretty much the same show we did last week to rave reviews and a happy audience.)

So baby, come back, and see it again! Dress as your favorite character! Bring candy tainted with poisonous razor blades! Deface a pumpkin! PLUTO’S BACK!

ORDER TICKETS HERE!

The Prequel Sequel Adventures of Psycho

Mr Bitterness — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 21:12:20 +0000

More Previous Tension-Free Travels of a Character Who Dies at the End of “The Bitter Show Presents: Road Trip to Pluto, The Bitter Planet,” Thursday, September 16, 2010, 4 Star Movie Theatre, SF Fringe 2010.

The battle has begun.

“Engage to begin battle,” said a Space Robot App.

“Battle begin engage!” said another Space Robot App.

“Begin engagement battle sequence,” said another Space Robot App.

“Shut up already,” said another Space Robot App.

“Are you ready?” asked Psycho. “Round one. Fight!”

Space Robot Apps and Psycho jumped, in slo-motion bullet time, to the top of a moving white truck driving on the Alameda freeway.

“Begin battlegagement — Ouch!” Psycho punched the Space Robot App, causing it to fly off the truck and right into the camera, which, in IMAX and with 3D glasses, looks really freaking cool.

Choral arrangements over techno music played. Aaaah aaaah aaaaw. Doot-doot-doot-doo-doot-doot, ach-ach-ack!

A Space Robot App fired his space gun towards Psycho. Pew! Pew! Too late — Psycho jumped over the bullets.

“These bullets are too slow,” complained the Space Robot App.

Losing balance, Psycho falls onto the Alameda freeway. Space Robot Apps drive their cars towards him, but Psycho jumped in the air, legs spread out a la Transformers 2, causing the cars to collide head-on.

“Line,” said Psycho.

“‘Hate to crash your party,’” said one of the Apps in a mangled car.

“Hate to crash your party,” repeated Psycho.

A Space Robot App ran towards Psycho.

“Yoga Fire!” yelled Psycho, lighting a yoga studio on fire.

“My yoga studio!” said a yoga instructor.

Space Robot Apps and Psycho jumped, in slo-motion bullet time, to the top of another moving white truck driving on the Alameda freeway.

“Want a ‘Hertz Donut’?” Psycho asked the Apps.

“No,” said the Apps.

Choral arrangements subside, as a techno bassline continued, mashed up with the theme of ‘Knight Rider,’ ft. Soulja Boy and Gwen Stefani.

A Space Robot App fired his space gun towards Psycho. Pew! Pew! Psycho dodged over the bullets.

“What’s the point of shooting at him if he’s just going to dodge or jump over the bullets?” asked the Space Robot App.

White light emerged from the sky. In the midst was the image of a familiar face. It was the man standing in line behind Psycho at McDonald’s. After complaining to Psycho, a Space Robot App killed him, and his last words were calling Psycho his mortal enemy.

“Not now, dude. Sorry I got you killed. I feel so guilty about that. Now you’re here to haunt me,” said Psycho.

“I’m a little more dimensional than that. I’m not just your mortal enemy. I had a whole life before you got me killed, you know,” the man said.

“Then why are you here?” asked Psycho.

“To bark commands at you,” said the man as an App ran towards Psycho. The man pointed to the App. “Finish him!”

“Duh,” said Psycho, ripping out the App’s spine.

“Fatality,” said the man.

“Why won’t you die?” a Space Robot App asked Psycho.

“You can’t kill me. This is the prequel to my other adventure, ‘Road Trip to Pluto,’ premiering Sept. 16th (tix). I won’t die until the end of that show.”

“Then what do we do?” asked another Space Robot App.

“WE CHASE!” yelled another Space Robot App.

Then there was a big car chase, but Psycho won’t get caught and killed because this is his prequel. And in the further prequel adventures of Psycho, it will be his chase.

The Trailer that Ate the World!

Mr Bitterness — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 03:49:25 +0000

It is Here! And it is ALIVE!!! It’s…the Trailer that Ate the World!Road Trip to Pluto is coming to a theater near you…as long as you live near The Four Star Theatre at 2200 Clement in San Francisco. One night only! So run, don’t walk! Or better yet, drive. Yeah, drive, and buy tickets at the door, or get them ahead of time.

The Culture Club of Fu.

Mr Bitterness — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 21:37:09 +0000

Plan B from Outerspace is a bitterly bad movie about toasters that somehow become atomic on the lesbian planet of Lesbos. When it was first released critics panned it and audiences demanded that their money be returned, the director, Melinda Smithee, be publicly stoned (not the good kind) and all copies of the film be burned, buried and the earth be salted so that nothing would ever grow there again.

One fateful night, the movie was attended by a large group of people who were publicly stoned (the good kind) when they thought they were going to be ironically enjoying Plan 9 from Outerspace by the late, not-so-great Ed Wood. However, they soon found themselves doubly ironically enjoying Plan B from Outerspace, and a cult phenomenon was born.

To be a part of this phenomenon, and thus get the Bad Movie badge for your Indie Cred sash, you must obey the following.
1. Remember, do not actually enjoy this movie. You must enjoy how bad it is.
2. Prepare to enjoy this movie by dressing up in character (don’t forget small details like the blue streak Dr. Mick’s hair and Brian’s superfluous third leg) and memorizing all of the stuff that you’re supposed to yell at the screen, but don’t let anyone see you doing all that or you might lose your Lack of Effort badge.
3. Feel free to make up your own bitingly hilarious ad-libbed bon mots to hurl at the screen, but just make sure that they are hilarious before you do, so you don’t make a fool of yourself in front of the other hipsters. You might want to hire a comedy writer.

Click here to bone up on all things Plan B: Plan B from Outerspace

THE PREQUEL ADVENTURES OF PSYCHO

Mr Bitterness — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 06:40:07 +0000

Previous Tension-Free Travels of a Character Who Dies at the End Of “The Bitter Show Presents: Road Trip to Pluto, The Bitter Planet,” Thursday, September 16, 2010, 4 Star Movie Theatre, SF Fringe 2010.

“‘Tartar sauce’?” yelled the McDonald’s clerk. “You want tartar sauce with your nuggets?”

“I’m hung over,” said Psycho. “OK. Give me a 6-piece nuggets, no sauce, and a Filet O’Fish, extra tartar sauce, hold the filet, cheese and buns.”

“And a Diet Coke?” asked the clerk.

“No,” said Psycho.

“That’ll be seven dollars and sixty-two cents. Cash or charge?” asked the clerk.

“I have food stamps,” said Psycho.

“‘Food stamps’?” yelled the McDonald’s clerk.

“Please,” said Psycho, lowering his voice. “Don’t embarrass me in front of my kid, whom I’ve left in the car.”

“Really?” asked the clerk.

“No,” said Psycho. “I was riffing.”

“I know, but, by law, now I have to check your car and call Child Services,” said the clerk. “You crapped on my day. I’ll be right back.” The clerk sighed, and left through that path by the French fry machines. Psycho hoped the clerk called CS first, since vicious Space Robot Apps have been parked near his car, waiting to ambush the McDonald’s.

“Thanks a lot, buddy,” said the man standing behind Psycho. “Asshole.”

“What am I?” replied Psycho. “An asshole or your buddy?”

“Well said,” the man said. “You douchebag.”

A rumbling explosion decimated the back wall, knocking a table of stunt doubles safely to the ground. Space Robot Apps approached Psycho.

“It’s about time,” Psycho told the Apps. “Couldn’t you have attacked, like, ten minutes earlier, before I asked for tartar sauce with my McNuggets?”

“We saw you using our ultrasonic telescope app, and you seemed to be too engaged with your fellow humans; we thought we’d wait.”

“Didn’t you hear the conversation?” asked Psycho. “It was banal, at best.”

“No,” said a second Space Robot App. “We were using the free DEMO TRIAL app, which, didn’t include audio.”

“The full version costs ninety nine cents, can you believe it?” said another App.

“If you had just attacked me earlier,” explained Psycho, “the cashier wouldn’t have left, and this guy behind me wouldn’t be calling me an asshole.”

“Leave me out of this,” the man said.

“You want this guy outta your life?” said another Space Robot App, before two awkward minutes passed, then the App shot the man.

“No?” yelled Psycho.

“I’ll never forget you,” the man said, gasping. “You. My mortal enemy.” The man died.

“This, I do not need,” said Psycho. “This is what I mean, you could have showed up earlier, and I wouldn’t have a dying man calling me his mortal enemy.”

“Watch what you say,” said another Space Robot App, “or I kill you next.”

“You can’t kill me. This is the prequel to my other adventure, ‘Road Trip to Pluto,’ premiering Sept. 16th (tix). I won’t die until the end of that show.”

“Then what do we do?” asked another Space Robot App.

“WE FIGHT!” yelled another Space Robot App.

“That was my line, dick,” said the previous Space Robot App.

Then there was a big battle, but Psycho won’t die because this is his prequel. And in the further prequel adventures of Psycho, it will be his battle.

Plutonoids: Write a letter!

PlutoDPlanet — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 15:45:34 +0000

OK, so I know I’ve had to take a few kicks on the axis recently. (I mean besides the deplanetation, which we KNOW was wrong!) First the whole thing with my lead-in to my Fresh Air interview being that stupid frickin’ spider who bit Spiderman (he says I’m his buddy but PLEASE!!! Why would I hang out with a stupid frickin’ spider?). Then Ms. Gross gets my name all wrong, and then a bunch of other stuff I don’t even want to go into except that my big toe is STILL killing me, and I haven’t found my missing godseye yet, but thanks for asking 1Fernie1!

This, though, is a public humiliation that tops the NPR thing because no one listens to NPR anyway. This is the frickin’ POST. I’m sipping my cold coffee–because holy crap even the COFFEE is cold at the Hurtling Ice Chunk Club–and I see this. It’s some book about the cute little history of ME being tapped for the Planet Club, and then DEtapped, and DID I GET ONE INTERVIEW? NO! Big Mr. Michael Byers didn’t even ASK me how I felt about my deplanetization, and here he is hitting the big time with that stupid rag in Washington. Right up the road from NPR HQ, BTW. And the “reporter” from the “newspaper” didn’t even know to capitalize Planet Club. HELLO, COPYWRITERS? Is Planet Club not in the style guide? I looked up this “Ron Charles” and he’s a FICTION editor. And he wasn’t even the guy who reviewed “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.” WTF?

Write a letter, Plutonoids! And tell them Pluto PLANET sent you.

Love in Space?

Mr Bitterness — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 19:52:16 +0000

The Commander of NPR showed up at the Stuff Sponsored by HBO mixer with a certain lovely lieutenant on his arm. When asked about a possible inter-galactic romance, Miss U was quoted as saying, “Oh hell no! I’m just here for the cheese puffs and free True Blood dvds that were supposed to be in the gift bags, but all they had was Entouage. What am I supposed to do with that? I can’t even give it as a gift.”

Just here for the free stuff.

When asked the Commander said, “No, why? What have you heard? Can you give this note to Nyota when you see her?”

The note in question was folded into the shape of a cootie catcher and asked for a reply of yes, no or maybe so.

Show details

Mr Bitterness — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 20:57:58 +0000

Road Trip to Pluto

Presented by The Bitter Show and SF Fringe Festival BOV

8pm Thursday, Sept 16

4 Star Theater.. 2200 Clement St @ 23rd Ave

San Francisco, CA Tickets $10 at the door, supplies limited

Pluto was a planet

Now he’s a hurtling Ice Chunk.

And’s he’s kidnapped NPR’s Terry Gross!

Join the intrepid crew of the Castle of Carl on an epic quest across the solar system to rescue her! See alien Olymipians! True Americans! Inter-galactic hip-hop sensation Uranus P! Terrible Sci-fi movies! Clones! Clones! Clones!

Spacey stuff abounds in this hilarious comedy show/ sci-fi thriller!

Starring: Melinda Bailey, Dave Chambers, Stefin Collins, Jody Handley, and Mike Spiegelman

Special Guest Star: Ludwig Von Shirtingham

Musical Direction: Christine Mclintock

Written, Produced and Directed by: The Bitter Show

Cap’n's Log Stardate: Tuesday Lunch

Mr Bitterness — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 18:48:25 +0000

Got my job back driving a cab. Hey, it’s not the most glamourous job in the world but when you’ve got a $1200 a day pain killer addiction, somethings gotta pay the bills.

So I’m working the day shift, mostly running people back and forth between here and the Milky Way Intergalactic Space Port. It’s pretty basic work but sometimes you run into a few nutjobs like when I picked up some drunk hawkmen the other day. They had gotten completely wasted on pan-galatic gargle blasters while on a flight from the andromeda system. Seriously, know your limits… if it’s a 45 minute flight don’t drink 8 mind erasing beverages, even if they are free in super-ultra-double-fancy class. And how do a couple of hawkmen get tickets on SUDF Class anyway?

I don’t know what these guys do for a living, but all I’ve seen them do is D-I-VVVVVVE with big sticks in their hands. That kinda work can’t pay all that well can it?

Anyway, one of them passes out in the back and the other one makes me drag him up to thier hotel room. No tip. Feathers all over the ship. Just a mess. Lesson learned- put up right to refuse service sign.

Idiots.

-cap’n out-