Previous Tension-Free Travels of a Character Who Dies at the End Of “The Bitter Show Presents: Road Trip to Pluto, The Bitter Planet,” Thursday, September 16, 2010, 4 Star Movie Theatre, SF Fringe 2010.
“‘Tartar sauce’?” yelled the McDonald’s clerk. “You want tartar sauce with your nuggets?”
“I’m hung over,” said Psycho. “OK. Give me a 6-piece nuggets, no sauce, and a Filet O’Fish, extra tartar sauce, hold the filet, cheese and buns.”
“And a Diet Coke?” asked the clerk.
“No,” said Psycho.
“That’ll be seven dollars and sixty-two cents. Cash or charge?” asked the clerk.
“I have food stamps,” said Psycho.
“‘Food stamps’?” yelled the McDonald’s clerk.
“Please,” said Psycho, lowering his voice. “Don’t embarrass me in front of my kid, whom I’ve left in the car.”
“Really?” asked the clerk.
“No,” said Psycho. “I was riffing.”
“I know, but, by law, now I have to check your car and call Child Services,” said the clerk. “You crapped on my day. I’ll be right back.” The clerk sighed, and left through that path by the French fry machines. Psycho hoped the clerk called CS first, since vicious Space Robot Apps have been parked near his car, waiting to ambush the McDonald’s.
“Thanks a lot, buddy,” said the man standing behind Psycho. “Asshole.”
“What am I?” replied Psycho. “An asshole or your buddy?”
“Well said,” the man said. “You douchebag.”
A rumbling explosion decimated the back wall, knocking a table of stunt doubles safely to the ground. Space Robot Apps approached Psycho.
“It’s about time,” Psycho told the Apps. “Couldn’t you have attacked, like, ten minutes earlier, before I asked for tartar sauce with my McNuggets?”
“We saw you using our ultrasonic telescope app, and you seemed to be too engaged with your fellow humans; we thought we’d wait.”
“Didn’t you hear the conversation?” asked Psycho. “It was banal, at best.”
“No,” said a second Space Robot App. “We were using the free DEMO TRIAL app, which, didn’t include audio.”
“The full version costs ninety nine cents, can you believe it?” said another App.
“If you had just attacked me earlier,” explained Psycho, “the cashier wouldn’t have left, and this guy behind me wouldn’t be calling me an asshole.”
“Leave me out of this,” the man said.
“You want this guy outta your life?” said another Space Robot App, before two awkward minutes passed, then the App shot the man.
“No?” yelled Psycho.
“I’ll never forget you,” the man said, gasping. “You. My mortal enemy.” The man died.
“This, I do not need,” said Psycho. “This is what I mean, you could have showed up earlier, and I wouldn’t have a dying man calling me his mortal enemy.”
“Watch what you say,” said another Space Robot App, “or I kill you next.”
“You can’t kill me. This is the prequel to my other adventure, ‘Road Trip to Pluto,’ premiering Sept. 16th (tix). I won’t die until the end of that show.”
“Then what do we do?” asked another Space Robot App.
“WE FIGHT!” yelled another Space Robot App.
“That was my line, dick,” said the previous Space Robot App.
Then there was a big battle, but Psycho won’t die because this is his prequel. And in the further prequel adventures of Psycho, it will be his battle.
[...] Prequel Sequel Adventures of Psycho By Mr Bitterness, on September 9th, 2010 More Previous Tension-Free Travels of a Character Who Dies at the End of “The Bitter Show Presents: Road [...]